Excuse Me

Today, I'm honored to share this space with my lovely daughter Taara, an 18 year old freshman at Sonoma State University.  As I continue to work with students, I've been asking her to contribute some wisdom about excuses and how she stays motivated when so many assessments have shifted from letter grades to pass/fail or credit/no credit. Why bother? What's the point? What's an ok excuse and what's just rubbish? (I literally never use the word 'rubbish, so I'm  not sure why I said that). I asked her to dig into these questions with me and she graciously agreed.  Here's a portion of our conversation:

Desi Amma: Thanks for agreeing to appear in this guest spot!  Did my threatening you with cutting off Netflix unless you complied have anything to do with your decision?

Taara: Oh gosh, no......

DA: No, you didn't realize that was a threat or no, that didn't influence your talking to me?

T: No, you're my mom. I don't see you as a threat....and I don't think you'll cut off Netflix because you love it too much!

DA: Truth... so let's get started. What do you think about excuses in general?:

T: I think it depends.  It depends on the person and what the situation is.  Excuses can be made out of laziness or not wanting to change behaviors.  Let's say someone is cheating on their partner and their excuse for cheating is : "I didn't know it was going to happen."  That's based on their own problems.  Another excuse one could make could be about not cleaning up their room.  That's me. I'm comfortable with it.

DA: In the first example, the excuse and behavior hurts/affects someone else.  In the second, the consequence is just on you.

T: Uh huh.

DA: Can you give an example of what might be a valid reason to be excused from something?

T: Ok, let's say someone had a family emergency and they weren't able to do their work.  You'd tell your teacher, "I couldn't finish my work because someone in my family got hurt" and hopefully the teacher will be reasonable about it.  Or if you're not feeling well and you have to tell your boss that you have to stay home so you don't infect others.

DA:  Both of those examples are legit excuses?

T: Yes.  There's a difference between having a valid excuse versus the consequences of your bad actions on others and yourself - that's when you're lying to others and yourself and that's not ok.

DA: What's your take on asking to be excused from certain commitments right now, in this moment?:

T: As stressful as it is right now, we do have responsibilities we have to take care of.  Or if people are feeling emotionally drained and not up to a task, that's ok.  It's a matter of your mental health and how bad it is. Everyone should take care of themselves.  I think one can be excused to a certain extent.  You still have to wake up every day and get out of bed, for your own body's sake.  But one should not lose themselves and you might cause permanent damage to yourself in this situation, which is just temporary.  So keeping up with daily routines and regimens and some commitments can be helpful right now.

DA:  Are you gearing up to tell me you're not going to do the dishes...?

T: (wry chortle)....I'd do them if you let me!  But you say I don't do them right!

DA: A topic for another day!  What might be some acceptable reasons to ask for special treatment at work and/or school?:

T: Mental health, family emergencies, children, spouse, money problems.  I guess anything that's part of your world that you have to take care of.  And if you don't take care of it, it's going to ruin something or someone.

DA: So let's say I'm capable of meeting most of my promises at work and/or school, how do I keep it up?  How do I motivate myself? I mean, what do you do?

T: Motivation doesn't always come when we want it to, sadly.  It will come in bursts and I think the time when we least have it, might be the time we should get up and do something.  I would say, find someone or something that's important to you and know that you have to wake up every day to take care of them, to help them.  And know that the lack of motivation won't last forever.  For example, I wake up and I know I have to help you, I do things for the dogs, I have to take care of some things in this house. I do it for Appa (dad). I kind of have those people to motivate me and keep me going when times are rough.  Because it's also not just about me but helping those around me. I can't just sit around all day doing nothing.

DA:  That's really lovely. But what would you suggest if a person can't get up out of bed and can't find the energy to do anything?  What do you think that means?

T:  Well, I think that if someone isn't even able to get out of bed, that reflects their mental health.  That could lead to depression and anxiety and other mental illnesses.  Acknowledging that those are the feelings you're having right now is the first step.  Then they might need to get help.

[PSA: The National Suicide and Prevention Lifeline - 1-800-273-8255]

DA: Yeah, that's perfect advice.  Don't be afraid to ask for help and/or ask someone how to access that help. Now if we can shift to school stuff : can you tell us what helps you keep focus and motivation when it must be so tempting to just coast?  Practically all your classes are pass/fail.

T:  CHOCOLATE!

DA: Relatable.  What else?

T: What keeps me focussed?  Knowing that my performance affects my future.  It's kind of like the butterfly effect: everything affects everything.  Plus there's not much to do right now, so it makes sense to focus on something other than being scared of the uncertainty.  I think my classmates are also sweet and kind and they help me focus.  They also make it more enjoyable.  Even though it's pass/fail right now, I wouldn't want to let myself down and it's not an excuse.  I had to learn that at a very young age. 

DA:  What happened when you were young?

T:  Just when I thought, I don't have that much homework or I don't have to pay attention that much or pay attention to my grades.  That's when I realized, it's important to get an education and I have a privilege being here.  Many people don't have the privilege to go to college like I do.

DA: So you think about those things when it's hard to get moving?

T: Uh huh. But don't be too hard on yourself, but also know when to push yourself.

DA:  What about getting your school work done? How do you do that?

T:  Managing your time properly is very important.  Like knowing when things are due.  Talking to your teachers/professors when you can. Have a calendar or planner because we tend to forget things.  And doing work ahead of time if you can.  It doesn't happen all the time,  but that's where managing your time comes in. Also knowing yourself and how much you can handle putting off work.  How much stress is that going to add to your day?

DA: Do you give yourself rewards or things to look forward to when you finish some work?

T: Some Netflix, YouTube, listening to music, just me time to clear my brain.  So yeah I do have some rewards but they're not really anything major.  Just taking a break. I could order something online if I wanted to....

DA:  Oh yeah, how ya gonna pay for that?

T: Well.....I know someone....

DA: "Someone"..... ahem.  So, what are some of your strategies?

T:  I take it one step at a time, take baby steps.  Let's get up, let's brush out teeth, take a shower.  Simple, daily routines that can jump start your day : go outside and get some Vitamin D, get some exercise, play the piano, sing, play with the dogs, get dressed up for no reason.  Finding something that can help you get stuff off your chest and relieve your emotions.

DA: What about reaching out to others?

T: Yeah.  You can talk to people, text people you haven't talked to in a long time.  For me personally, I FaceTime people - I think it adds more connection.  Doing little dates is really, really helpful - whether it's with your boyfriend/significant other or a friend.  It will make you feel less lonely.  Or talking to a therapist, like I said before.

DA:  Those all sound like such good ideas!  Any parting thoughts for people struggling to stay on top of their stuff?

T: I think we're all on the same page. You're not alone in that feeling. Take it one day at a time. One hour at a time. It's not easy,  but every day is a new chance to restart with a new attitude.

DA: You're adorable..Thank you so much!  That was awesome

T: (chuckle)  Uh huh - of course!

Coda: Yesterday on the radio, I heard someone talking about what we need to be doing and experiencing in order to get through these days.  She talked about the four m's:  mastery (being creative or learning something new - she was careful to say this activity should bring you joy and not stress), mindfulness (meditation and breath observation, for example), moving our bodies, and (here's the m that eludes me - maybe mental health?), connecting with others.  And I thought "we're doing those things!'  But if it were that simple, we'd have all cracked this 'stay at home' code and feel fabulous.  We're going to try to do most of those m's, most days. But some days, we won't. Perhaps we won't even have an excuse, and that's ok.