Right vs Privilege

Arjun got his driver's license a couple weeks ago.  What a wonderful moment when he stepped out of the car with a huge grin plastered on his face.  Can't we all remember that feeling?  Whooo!  Freedom.  Right of passage.  So even as I'm very happy for him (and simultaneously struggling with trepidation at his being out there by himself), I've been thinking a great deal about this concept of driving being a right.  I know I saw it as such when I was a kid.  But as a parent, I'm definitely seeing it as a privilege.  

I'm fairly certain my parents never told me I couldn't borrow the car.  I don't think I got into enough trouble to warrant such measures.  I happily tooled around in the 1970 something baby blue Ford Maverick or brown Dodge Omni.  Such piece of crap cars but they got me from point A to point B and I didn't have to pay for gas (which I didn't appreciate enough at the time!).  I did have a curfew-by senior year I think it was midnight.  There were nights I'd leave Newburg or Big Flat at 11:34 pm, knowing I could be screeching into my driveway by 11:58….whew! (Kids, don't try this at home…).

But I don't remember feeling grateful for the car and gas.  I'm pretty sure I thought it was just part of being a teen.  Though the car wasn't fancy, I probably felt entitled to it and took for granted that I'd get to take it to school and to all my activities, even though the car belonged to my parents.  I'm squirming as I think about this now- makes me feel uncomfortable.

In my kids' privileged lives, how do I help them to see the distinction between a right and a privilege?  Like most kids, they're, thoughtful, polite, and have the ability to feel compassion for others.  So what's my problem?  My fear is that without understanding the difference between rights and privileges, they may become people who feel entitled; who may take without feeling any gratitude or thought to consequences.

In my mind, as my kids, they have the right to adoration (the physical and emotional manifestations of love), healthy food, clean clothes, opportunities for fun, emotional and physical safety - to name a few.  These are their rights.  I brought them into my life and I must provide an environment which includes these rights without martyrdom or expectation of repayment.

The privileges include screens of all variety (iWhatevers, phones, computers, or TV), a horse, trips to Cancun for spring break, and yes, a car (the horse, Cancun, nor car are current realities).  While I have not tied the withholding or granting of privileges to grades, I do look for genuine effort and improvement over time.  Show me the concrete, specific, and measurable ways you've worked toward this particular goal in class and we can talk about that insanely expensive set of head phones you want.  I want my children to understand when they're getting a privilege and I want them to appreciate how rare that privilege is in the world, even if all their friends have it.  I want them to feel grateful that they have things and experiences which many other people do not.  And I would like them to turn that knowledge into action by passing on their talents, time, and money to good causes.  But they can't read my mind, so I need to tell them.  Tonight.

Can I Do This?

My last post was about a year ago.  Some of the reasons I stopped posting:

the Boston Marathon bombing
Malaysia flight 370
some unkind words

Then it was hard to come back because there are always sad and horrible events happening in the world.  And I asked myself if I could do this.  What were my silly words/thoughts when real stuff was happening out there? People dying, families left devastated without answers.  What was I doing? Who was I to keep on squawking about trivial things?

The unkind words sealed the deal with my leaving the blog.  In my mind, bloggers are people who put their words out there and can handle whatever comes back at them.  Clearly I wasn't ready to do that yet as I was still smarting from a harsh indictment of what I'd written months after the incident.

Then my friend Mary died.  The kids and I went to her 100th birthday party and a few weeks later she was gone.  How could I be so sad about someone passing at 100?  Especially someone like Mary who lived life so exuberantly?  We'd been in writing class together for 6 years and I always loved hearing her stories.  She started teaching a writing class in her 99th year!  Her passing smacked me in the head.

As did a book that my friend Bridget gave me called The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown.  I have a healthy skepticism of the self-help genre, but she's the real deal.  If you've not had the pleasure, look up her Ted talks on vulnerability and shame - each only 20 minutes long.  She's funny, self-deprecating, and wise.  I highlighted, underlined, and wrote in the margins of that book and I'll be buying her others.  One concept in particular grabbed me: she says we can't wait until we're perfect and bulletproof to step into the arena.  Okie dokie.

So I started thinking about my arenas and my fears and my shame and when I feel vulnerable.  And I started to feel very anxious and embarrassed and vulnerable!  But I kept reading and thinking that we all have arenas in which we are meant to stand and live authentically.  How will I get there?

Writing is important to  me, or so I keep saying.  Chronicling my thoughts for my children is important to me, or so I claim.  So let me get back to this.  Let me step into the arena.  Can I do this?  I'm not sure, but I'm going to practice doing it once a week - whether I publish here or scribble in a journal.  That I can do.

From Cool to Cold?

Mostly I have been the cool mom. My kids’ friends have been known to say in my presence and behind my back, “Wow your mom is so cool!”  I have had other kids’ parents come up to me and say (and my heart hurt a bit when they said it because I imagined how I would feel), “My kids LOVE you! They say you’re the cool mom.”

First, I will acknowledge that I cook and bake stuff and the children like that. Peanut butter oatmeal bars are perhaps their favorite, followed closely by the traditional chocolate chip cookies. Fruits are also heartily consumed: mandarins, strawberries, and grapes.  I love to see the shy smiles and adore the mumbled ‘thank yous’ as they reach a hand into the tupperware.  

        Second, I’m a great listener.  If I leave that space and quiet in the car, they will talk; drop the open-ended query and they are eager to tell me things.  There doesn’t have to be direct eye contact or even any deep, personal revelations.  But in my car, “How was your day?” can turn into much, much more than just, “Fine.....”  Not always, mind you, but often enough.  Additionally, a great lubricant to this conversation is the music.  I let them choose the music with the caveat that there be no profanity or content which is too racy.  

        Third, I’m not a big lecturer.  I rarely say things like, “You know what you should do?” or “Well, that’s because you should have....”  If a child were going to hurt themselves or someone else, I’d step in; any of us would!  But when a child is opening up and sharing something, no matter how mundane, nothing seems to shut them down faster than advice.  You can hear the crickets chirping as soon as you drop some unsolicited parental nugget.  Because at a certain age, all advice is just seen as a reprimand.  What I think they hear is- because I’m pretty certain it’s what I heard in my head at that age - “You’re wrong.  You’re stupid.  You screwed up again.”  Or words to that effect.

        One day, my son said, “My friends only like me because of you!” And we laughed.  “Well they’ll think I’m cool until the day they ask me to buy them pot or alcohol and I say no.”  He made a derisive sound and stated, “My friends won’t ever ask you to do that.”  I just smiled at him.  Yeah, maybe not.  But there will come a day when I’ll make some parental choices which will not be popular or cool.  With a fifteen year old son, I know the day is coming.  And honestly, I feel a cold dread thinking of the myriad situations which might present themselves.

Too Pushy or Not Pushy Enough

My friend’s voice was a bit breathless on the phone as she announced, “Just wanted to let you know, at the next appointment, they’re going to ask him to stack blocks!”  She assured me that her son had stacked just fine.  I thanked her for this insider info, and as I hung up the phone, I felt grateful that my son still had 3 months in which to practice his stacking before his 18th month appointment. We’d play all kinds of stacking games.  This was going to be fun!

Except he didn’t want to stack.  Why wasn’t he stacking?  We often played with blocks but he liked me to stack them and then he’d knock them down and laugh uncontrollably.  Somehow I didn’t think this game counted as stacking.  What did it mean that he wasn’t a stacker?  Did he have some sort of developmental delays? Should I force him to practice?  Was I squelching his creativity by telling him what he had to do with the blocks?  The appointment date loomed and still no stacking.

Well, you know the end of this story:  my pediatrician didn’t even ask my son to stack.  When I questioned the doctor about the stacking, he kindly said (because I’m sure he delivered this line to thousands of panicked parents), “Your son is perfect!”  I nodded dubiously, wondering if I should switch to my friend’s pediatric practice and a doctor who truly understood the importance of stacking.  As I left the office, my thought bubble exclaimed: “Well doc, if her were PERFECT, he’d be stacking.  DUH!”  My lingering thought was: What else am I missing?  What other things is my child supposed to be doing for which I am not providing the adequate enrichment?

Thankfully my bff’s B, M, and J were there to smack me around and tell me everything was just fine.  Better than fine.  And as usual they were right.  However, their pragmatism did not keep me from experiencing what I like to refer to as my “Kristi Yamaguchi moment” when A approached his 3rd birthday.  Luckily this phase didn’t last long, but I started playing some wacky tapes in my head (8 track and cassette because I’m 46) and  they went something like this:

How did her parents know?  I mean, how did they even fathom that they were supposed to put their baby on ice skates?!  And in that sometimes nauseating way that many parents of young children are self-referential, I of course wondered what miraculous talent my own son possessed that I might be missing.  Should I be teaching him to use a computer mouse because he was going to create some astounding code? Set him up with a tiny violin?  Read Shakespeare to him?

Well, he’s 15 and his sister is 11 and I still don’t have any definitive answers.  They must accomplish some horribly mundane tasks: clean their rooms, practice piano/flute/trumpet, do dishes, vacuum, complete homework, and actually talk to us.  Yes, I read Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua.  But that book only solidified by certainty that happiness is very important.  Childhood unfettered by myriad “have to’s” is essential in order for children to figure out the “want to’s” in their lives.  

So I’ve lost most of my anxiety about what phenomenal attribute of theirs I’m supposed to help cultivate and am hopefully focussing on what astonishing, fascinating, good-hearted young people they are becoming.  Have I been too pushy or not pushy enough?  We won’t know until they book themselves therapy appointments and ask for the “frequent couch discount” as my husband likes to call it.  Our children are exactly who they are supposed to be right now.   As long as they are safe and happy, we parents might consider letting them know that.  

Let's Talk Dirty: Part 2....or a Devil's Playground

Slacker.  Perish the thought!  We don't want to act like one, neither do we want our children to exhibit those behaviors.  So what do some parents do?  Monday: Karate, Tuesday: piano, Wednesday: art, Thursday: Kumon, Friday: _____.  Some of you lapsed into your favorite Asian accent as you read that, didn't you?  (I went for a Bombay-Pune hybrid with British undertones-very sophisticated).  And there are plenty of non-Asian parents out there subjecting their children to this schedule too.  You know who you are!  Even though I'm smiling right now, I feel their pain.  There is a great deal of angst in me about not scheduling more enrichment for my children (we'll call it 'enrichment' rather than the thought that flickers through my head: the 'how to get into college' list of activities).

Connected to the messy conversation, from my last post, is the down-time conversation.  There is plenty of data to suggest that down-time is essential to processing and integrating information.  And beyond that of course we understand intellectually that peaceful, non-scheduled moments are essential to being a happy person.  A person who is comfortable in their skin. An adult who is happy being in their own home, quietly listening to music, or reading a book, or painting.

Some parents are surprised that their children don't know how to just be without a screen (laptop, netbook, smart phone, computer, iTouch, iPad, tv, etc).  But are you modeling that for them?  Do your children see you living that way?  And are you actually giving your child the gift of time to explore all the wonderful, quiet adventures life has to offer?

Some of my bff''s - B, M, and J helped me learn these beautiful lessons.  I give thanks for them - well several times a day! -every time my 11 year old daughter T tells me what animals she sees in the clouds and shows me song lyrics she's written. Or when my 15 year old son A comes barreling down the stairs, babbling about needing transistors for something he's inventing and could I please drive him to Radio Shack? The unscheduled moments are when the kids talk to me, spontaneously sit down at the piano together and create a duet, hover with me in the kitchen to assist with dinner or wait to lick a beater laden with cookie dough.  And that's the good stuff.  The important stuff they'll always remember.

Anna Quindlen, in a Mother's Day article several years ago, wrote something I will never forget:  apparently she called one of her son's and said she was writing this article and what was one of his  happiest memories of her.  And he said, without hesitation, making her laugh. Apparently he and his sibs all felt this way.  After everything and all those years,  her children remembered most and loved the best, making her laugh!  It's a beautiful lesson for all of us.  Embrace your inner slacker with your loved ones today - even if for a little while.  Give yourself and the people around you that gift.

Let's Talk Dirty......

As I mentioned earlier, I'm not a terribly neat person.  And I believe there is a direct correlation between being a bit messy and happy, creative children.  This is one of my goals as a parent: that my children be happy.  Hopefully they'll be able to feed themselves, have a roof over their heads, become productive and giving members of society....and laugh often.  (I'm interested to see if my theory bears out in practice once my kids start applying to colleges/jobs/internships...or if I'm just a huge proponent of a theory until I have to apply it to my own life! Stay tuned)

But often I struggle with being messy.  My people conduct their lives using a host of rituals centered around cleanliness.  Now, I can't speak for all 1 billion on the sub-continent, nor the diaspora, but I'll tell you my personal experience.  Some of the rules with which I grew up:  clip finger and toe nails over a garbage can and never, ever leave them around the house, bathe daily in the morning, eliminate your bowels in the morning, eat food with your right hand (the left is used only for cleaning up after using the toilet), hand money to people only with your right hand, and never wear shoes inside the home (have dedicated indoor slippers which are never worn outside), for example.

Ahhhhh, but messiness.  By dear friend B (you'll get to know all my precious girlfriends eventually) is directly responsible for helping me embrace the messy more firmly and incorporate it in my parenting theory and practice.  Encouraging my children to get their hands dirty in the garden, planting with their father, exhorting them to cover innumerable pages with water colors and pencil scribblings,  laughing as I watched them dance in the rain.  Yes, yes,  yes, sometimes it's a complete pain.  I screamed when I found permanent marker on the walls or paint on the carpet.  But B and others talked me down off the ledge.

So that's the external messiness.  But I think learning to explore and manage the internal messiness is important too.  Digging deep to explore feelings and thoughts.  Being able to express those feelings and thoughts and delving into how to cope with them.  Understanding that life is messiness - ambiguities and multiple realities - and learning how to hold those gently and with patience, I believe goes a long way in leading a fabulous, authentic, and healthy life.  I need to remind myself of these facts as I attempt to reconcile the messy Desi (Indian) in me with all the pieces of the complicated person I am.

Thanks to all who read and tried to post yesterday.  I'm still working on the issue (in-house tech support was very helpful and adorable!)  but I have a couple things you might try if you'd like to post responses:

I logged in as someone else and was able to post....so I'm hoping these ideas work for a few of you.  Otherwise, until we can fix it for all people, please do feel free to msg me or dialog on FB.

When you look at my post, near the bottom, by Posted by Gita Baliga-Savel at 4:37 PM, 
there should be a pencil icon or a phrase that says '1 comment'.  I was able to click on those
and a box popped up in which to compose.  I wrote the word 'test' .  Directly beneath that box it says, "comment as" with a drop down menu.  I'm hoping one of those options works for your world.  I chose Google and was directed to log into my Google account.  Then, I hit the Publish button below it.  Hoping that works for you.  Though I have never blogged before, I think one of the most important pieces is the sharing of information/emotions/ideas/creativity.  So I do need to hear from people!

Today I prepared a  piece about the importance of messiness.  But I decided to table that topic once I began watching the inauguration coverage.  I feel passionately about being an American, about living here, about our political process. Yeah, of course it all makes me crazy sometimes.  But we live here where we can shout about how crazy it makes us without fear of reprisal.  That's a lovely thing.

There were two quotes I heard today which I wanted to share because they moved me so deeply.  Senator Lamar Alexander of TN quoted author Alex Haley:  "Find the good; embrace it."  And one I saw on FB today attributed to Dr Martin Luther King, Jr.:  "Life's most persistent and urgent question is, What are you doing for others?"

As many people in the nation come together for a Day of Service, I'm thinking about finding good, embracing it, and turning those thoughts and feelings inside me into doing for others.  Many of us feel stretched too thin; that life is just rushing by and we barely have time to do for ourselves and our families, let alone others.  But perhaps we're just setting the bar too high.  Next time you're in the store, maybe just pick up an extra pack of tissues or pencils for your child's or grandchild's or friend's child's classroom, bring your neighbor's paper from the driveway to their door, or - one of my fav things to do - pay for the person behind you in line for coffee at the drive through ( definitely stole that from somewhere/someone! Just say, "I want to pay for the drink order of the car behind me").  In our district, teachers have to purchase their own copy paper.  Seriously.  So I noticed the Office Depot ad for 10 reams of paper being on sale and picked one up for our school.  But the kind of good we can put out in the world doesn't have to cost money - the free kind is amazing.  Maybe thinking of BEING a Dr King overwhelms us and we end up doing nothing for too long.  Maybe we can just be a deeper, more meaningful us and that will be more than enough.

Thinking of posting once or twice a week.
Thanks for reading y'all!