Owning It

"Anti-Blackness is an Asian American problem." - Amita Swadhin

Reading this sentence a few days ago knocked me on my ass.  For several days prior, like many of us, these Black men and their families were in my head and on my heart:

Chris Cooper simply birding in Central Park and a White woman calling police to falsely accuse him of "threatening her life." Mr Cooper asked her to put her dog on a leash. They were in an area of the park where dogs are not allowed.

Ahmaud Arbery jogging and then murdered in Georgia.  The White men who shot him thought he was trespassing and that he fit the description of someone who'd been perpetrating crimes in the neighborhood.

George Floyd murdered by a police officer in Minneapolis. Police were called because a shop owner believed Floyd was trying to pass a counterfeit $20 bill.

Anti-Blackness in an Asian American problem.

Do you know how many times I've had the police called on me because I asked someone to leash their dog? Zero.

Do you know how many times I've had the police called on me because I was taking a walk and wandered onto someone else's property?  Zero.

Do you know how many times I've had the police called on me because I've used a counterfeit $20 bill?  Zero.

Do you know how many times I've worried about my safety or my life when I was doing all of those things (because I have actually done all those things).  Zero.

I have privilege and that's why I have not worried.

I'm being asked to look deeply at very uncomfortable issues and my conscience is not letting me turn away.  So here's me, calling myself out and reflecting on what I've seen and said and perpetrated. I've kept myself apart and distant.  I've been silent and therefore, complicit.

I am privileged and I benefit from this privilege. AND I have been hurt, too.  Both of these things can exist simultaneously.  If I come clean about my privilege and the role I play in the oppression of Black individuals, that's one step toward healing our community.  Holding myself accountable matters.

We've seen the lists of Black people harmed and murdered.  We've seen the lists of what we can do to help.  What I can do today is speak out. I'm not looking for absolution, not just because that's not the point of my writing these words, but because that absolution won't help, isn't deserved.  Centering me and making me feel better is not why I'm writing these words.

I understand that this is not happening to me.
I understand that I am not Black and have not suffered the types and degrees of oppression Black people have suffered.
I hope that I have always presented and acted as an ally to members of the Black community.
Here's one tiny way I can stand with : by speaking out about the fact that just because I haven't sought out privilege, doesn't mean I haven't benefited from it. Now that I've said those words out loud, what will I do?

Now that you've read my words, what will you do? Protest? Speak out? Donate your money and/or time? Sit with this information and really chew on it?  Whatever you choose to do, please don't turn away.