We've been into this for - what now- seven days? How did it start for you? Pacing? Nail biting? Stress eating? Micromanaging? Panic Buying? Ordering a brand new Le Creuset butter dish in Marseille blue....ahem, for example?
Then started all the giving, right? Lovely articles on the generosity of the human spirit and people and companies writing big checks and we wept, didn't we? I mean...I'm not crying, YOU are! These stories are such a balm on the fear and sadness to which we're exposed in the news and all the directives as to what we must do. I'm saturated, are you? I turned off the news and I stopped reading all the things. I'm doing all the medically and scientifically necessitated things because I care about others. But I just don't have the capacity to take in any more instructions nor exhortations to give big. I'm triaging my heart and mind right now because I have to.
Losing my husband Bharat a year ago brought me up against the reality of what matters and what really doesn't. What I can hold and what I can't. My children and my pets depend on me and if I don't take care of myself, I won't be able to take care of them. I went through a period early on after he passed when I thought it was a good day if I accomplished three things:
Fold and put away one load of laundry.
Go online and pay the property taxes.
Take a shower.
And I knew I could only do X because X + 1 was going to break me and that couldn't happen.
Each morning I would ask myself : What can I do today? Just today? I've been reminded of how I felt then as we all struggle with our current situation. So I won't be one more voice today telling you what to do or how to give. I'll just ask you a question or two:
What do you need today?
Are you able to give today?
The answer to the first question might be a hot bath, a quiet fifteen minute nap, a cup of tea, making soup while you blast AC/DC, or a slice of apple pie.
The answer to the second question might be "no". I think it's really important to not beat ourselves up for whatever the answer to that question is today. Or tomorrow. Or next week or whenever. For me, one day I woke up and said, I'm ready. And I gotta be honest : giving even in the tiniest of ways right now, has felt incredibly selfish and yummy! Tutoring for free, paid time off for a couple people who help me out, and cooking clean, healthy meals for our family are all ways it seems as though I'm doing something over which I have control when many things feel out of control. Honestly, I'm doing it for myself. My brain is releasing all the serotonin and dopamine and oxytocin and endorphins! And I'm telling people about it so maybe they'll be selfish too. If you do something selfish today, let me know and we can crow about it together! If you weren't able to, be gentle with yourself because there are plenty of days ahead to try.
