Mostly I have been the cool mom. My kids’ friends have been known to say in my presence and behind my back, “Wow your mom is so cool!” I have had other kids’ parents come up to me and say (and my heart hurt a bit when they said it because I imagined how I would feel), “My kids LOVE you! They say you’re the cool mom.”
First, I will acknowledge that I cook and bake stuff and the children like that. Peanut butter oatmeal bars are perhaps their favorite, followed closely by the traditional chocolate chip cookies. Fruits are also heartily consumed: mandarins, strawberries, and grapes. I love to see the shy smiles and adore the mumbled ‘thank yous’ as they reach a hand into the tupperware.
Second, I’m a great listener. If I leave that space and quiet in the car, they will talk; drop the open-ended query and they are eager to tell me things. There doesn’t have to be direct eye contact or even any deep, personal revelations. But in my car, “How was your day?” can turn into much, much more than just, “Fine.....” Not always, mind you, but often enough. Additionally, a great lubricant to this conversation is the music. I let them choose the music with the caveat that there be no profanity or content which is too racy.
Third, I’m not a big lecturer. I rarely say things like, “You know what you should do?” or “Well, that’s because you should have....” If a child were going to hurt themselves or someone else, I’d step in; any of us would! But when a child is opening up and sharing something, no matter how mundane, nothing seems to shut them down faster than advice. You can hear the crickets chirping as soon as you drop some unsolicited parental nugget. Because at a certain age, all advice is just seen as a reprimand. What I think they hear is- because I’m pretty certain it’s what I heard in my head at that age - “You’re wrong. You’re stupid. You screwed up again.” Or words to that effect.
One day, my son said, “My friends only like me because of you!” And we laughed. “Well they’ll think I’m cool until the day they ask me to buy them pot or alcohol and I say no.” He made a derisive sound and stated, “My friends won’t ever ask you to do that.” I just smiled at him. Yeah, maybe not. But there will come a day when I’ll make some parental choices which will not be popular or cool. With a fifteen year old son, I know the day is coming. And honestly, I feel a cold dread thinking of the myriad situations which might present themselves. 